COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT

No-one can know instinctively what his or her partner enjoys. It is up to each of us to talk about our likes and dislikes; it is not unnecessary, and it is not at all insulting. It is almost impossible to have a good sexual relationship without clear communication.

We should all let our partners know which caresses are pleasurable and which are not. We should always say if something is particularly arousing or painful. Lovers should be bold enough to suggest a different way of making love, and should ask each other questions and make requests. Exchanging of these confidences will help to build up a better physical relationship, while not doing so may make matters irrevocably worse. This can be achieved by saying that something is pleasant or it is not, making encouraging noises, or by moving a hand to a spot where the sensation is more pleasurable.

What is appropriate and enjoyable varies from occasion to occasion, so simply because you have expressed a preference once does not mean to say that you do not have to express it again, or that you might express a different preference on a different occasion. Good lovers should never take each other for granted. Ideally when conflicting desires are expressed, or when differing degrees of arousal are experienced, a couple should engage in a process of negotiation. If not, you will find yourselves falling into habitual, routine sexual activities. The best of partners may eventually become bored after years of exactly the same activity in the same sequence, in the same position, in the same bed. Boring sex is rarely rewarding to either, partner, and there is a vast range of sexual activities that people find appealing and stimulating. Communication does not mean that everything said has to be negative; say what pleases you, and at the same time listen to what your partner is telling you.

And if you want to get more enjoyment out of your sexual relationship, you need a partner’s full involvement and participation. For two people to enjoy their sexual relationship fully, both must be able to accept the pleasure a partner gives, and both must be able to enjoy the process of giving a partner pleasure. The most satisfying sexual relationships have the joint commitment and sharing of the two people involved. The more pleasure you give your partner, the more they will want to give you pleasure in return. A good sexual relationship is always a giving relationship, not a taking one.

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